My Summer of New Adventures Part I

This has been one of the most adventurous summers of all time.  It has also been one of the fastest summer breaks on record.  I know it's not over, but dang, it's August already.  I will not start focusing on the return to school, I will not!!! 

There have been three major adventures this summer.  I guess two have been major, one was just fun!! 

The first adventure of the summer was our family trip to Grand Haven.  It was a week of the whole family living under one roof.  Add to that my cousin coming in with her two children for three days and what we had was chaos, loudness and a whole lot of fun!!!  The house where we stayed was big enough to accommodate all of us, four bedrooms, three full bathrooms, and one half bathroom.

We were lucky enough to be able to stay here during the week of the Fourth of July.  A small town that usually accommodates around 2,000 people had 200,000 visitors that week.  It was carazzyyy busy, from the downtown area, to the boardwalk, and especially the beach.  Picture a scene from one of those beach movies where there is not a space to be found and that was the beach on the fourth of July.  I am a long time people watcher and let me tell you, I had a grand time watching all of the different people.(and women/men who were wearing bathing suits they should not have stepped out of the house wearing) 

The best part of the week was the family time.  I was pretty nervous about all of us living in harmony for a week.  My sister has twin boys who just turned one and she is EXTREMELY protective of everything they do.  If the headed towards the steps, she freaked out.  If they crawled near the kitchen, she freaked out.  Let's just say, she freaked out a lot that week.  Despite her "freakiness", we bonded as a family. 

As a child, we used to vacation up north every summer with my grandmother, her "fella" George, my aunt and uncle and their six children, plus our family of five.  We all stayed in the same cottage for a week, some were large enough that we all slept comfortably, some were so small, there wasn't even enough floor space.  We played cards every night and fished daily.  So I have been waiting for our family to start this tradition with our own children.  It was well worth the wait.

One of my favorite parts of the week was the farmer's market.  There were many vendors selling fresh berries, granola made just that morning, chocolate covered blueberries(really yummy), and doughnuts(my kids loved them).  What attracted me the most was the flowers.  They had sunflowers that were gorgeous and hanging baskets for eight dollars that here in Jacktown would have cost at least thirty dollars.  I wanted to buy about five of them, but alas, there was no room in the car and I settled for one. 



By the end of the week, we had visited the beach five times(and all had a great tan, except my sister who got fried on the first day and is still peeling), had walked downtown everyday, visited the ice cream parlour, saw their version of Cascades(didn't measure up to ours at all), ate some totally awesome black bean cakes and some awful pickle flavored popcorn, and vowed that we would do this again next year!!  And let me tell you, I can't wait!!!

Like a tide in the ocean

Been in a bit of a funk the past couple of days.  I have been experiencing some feelings that are surprising me.  I have been missing Joe.  Yeah, I know.  Not the Joe at the end of our relationship, but the Joe from the "good years". 

I don't know exactly where the feelings came from.  I think it started while in New York this week.  I was sitting in a restaurant with my travel mates, listening to them talk about their husbands, and started remembering Joe.  They were talking about their hubbies, laughing and talking about things that happen in their every day lives.  I know that their relationships are not perfect and take a lot of work, but man, was I envious.  I don't feel that way very often, but I did that night.  Not jealous, just got me thinking.  (It probably didn't help that while we were there, his ex-girlfriend sent a message wanting to drop some of his stuff off to the kids when I got home.)  One thought led to another, and boom, there were the memories of Joe and they have been flashing in my brain ever since. 

Most often, when I think of him, I get angry.  It's easier that way, then I don't have to deal with my own sense of loss. My thoughts go immediately to the bad, the lack of contact with the kids and of course, his suicide.  But lately, I am able to think of him connected to positive memories. I kind of like it.  Maybe it means I am healing.

What I am not appreciating is the overwhelming, and I do mean overwhelming, feeling of sadness that is accompanying the memories.  It's almost swallowing me up whole.  I have been walking around on the verge of tears for days.  I keep waiting for it to get better, but it's just hanging around, like a bad cold. 

As much as I despised parts of him, there were other parts that were truly wonderful. (the way he interacted with the kids, how smart he really was, how thoughtful he could be, his willingness to help others). Remembering that side of him makes what he did so much more painful. 

A friend of mine compared the grief of his suicide to a tide in the ocean.  It will come in and wash over you, and then ebb for awhile, only to return.  I guess my tide is coming in....

Meat eater no more

Yup, it's true.  I am no longer a meat eater.  I made the choice a couple of months ago.  Honestly, I can't even remember when I gave it up.  I wish I could say that I made the change to save the animals (which is a side benefit), but I really did it because I don't like meat anymore.  I had been thinking about it for awhile, but wasn't sure I could follow through.  So I decided to study my eating habits and see how much meat I actually ate.  Turns out, it wasn't much.  Don't like chicken anymore, turkey either.  Especially don't like beef roast.  The meal that sealed the deal for me was a burger.  I had grilled burgers for the kids and I.  As we were sitting at the table, I took a bite and almost gagged.  The burger was done, there was no problem, but I just couldn't eat it.  I was done and haven't had any meat since then.  Only meat I miss so far is a hot dog and the veggie ones I have seen at the stores don't look so good.

I have to admit, I have been struggling with it a bit. (only because I don't have enough recipes and don't really like veggies)  But what I witnessed last week solidified my "non-meat" choice.  It was so disgusting, I may gag as I type this.  SERIOUSLY!!!!  My family and I were vacationing in Grand Haven. (It was wonderful)  They have a beautiful boardwalk that leads to the pier overlooking Lake Michigan.  As we were taking a walk to the pier, a couple of charter boats were docking.  The kids begged to see the fish that were caught.  There were some doosies.  Twenty-two pounders!! 

From there it got worse.  The fish were then taken down and moved to another area where their heads were cut off and they were filleted to the liking of the fishermen.  My kids were enthralled, I was almost puking. 

After that disgustingness(I know it's not a word, but if fits here), the remainder of the fish was tossed into this center bin and ground up.  You could hear the bones and other stuff being crushed as they were non-chalantly tossed aside.  It was so disgusting, at that precise moment, I knew I would definitely be a "meat eater no more".   



Feelin' hot, hot, hot

Bet you think I am going to talk about the weather here in Michigan or this totally hot guy I met.  NOPE.  The "hot" I am referring to are "hot flashes".  Yup, I think I am having hot flashes.  According to my mother, they are not full blown hot flashes, otherwise my shirt would be drenched and I would have to put on a new one.  I gotta tell ya, if they get much hotter, I may burst into flames!!

Let me describe the feeling to you and then you can see what you think.  I was folding clothes in my living room, dressed in a tank top and shorts with my air conditioning cranking.  My house was a cool seventy-two degrees.  As I was folding, I felt this heat taking over my body, from the inside out.  It starts from way inside and slowly burns its way out.  I felt like if you touched me, you would yank your hand away as if I burned you.  Even my eyeballs feel like they are red with heat, kind of like a new vampire in the "Twilight" series.  It started with just that one, but now I am up to about two or three a day.  Not liking the fact that I don't know when they are going to happen.

Know what else I don't like??  The fact that I am only 41 years old.  I am waaaaaay to young to be having hot flashes.  Does this mean I am going through menopause already??  Isn't it usually women over or around 50 who go through this??  What if I meet a man who sweeps me off my feet and wants to have one more child??  (hey, it could happen)  Hot flashes while pregnant...not a pretty picture.  Maybe I am getting ahead of myself here, maybe it's just a phase.  Maybe they are a result of my increased intensity in working out or because the humidity affects me differently as I age.  Maybe...oh, who am I kidding????  

Ummmmmmm........

Well, we can see how well that plan worked :)  It is now June and I posted for a whole 2 days!! 

I admit, I am a little disappointed in myself.  Was hoping that was the way back to healthy eating and continued exercise.  Gotta say though, I have been exercising on a regular basis, my team kicked butt on a work challenge.  My struggle continues to be the eating. 

I have made a change in my eating habits, I thought for the good (still do), but it's not working out the way I had planned.  I gave up meat.  Wish I could say I did it to save the animals, but honestly, I did it because I don't like meat anymore. (you thought I was going to say it was to lose weight)  I was hoping to see some pound droppage as a result, but what I have discovered is I am supplementing my lack of meat with chips, cookies, and candy (sour patch kids).  Not good!! 

But alas, summer is here!!  I ALWAYS do better in the summer months.  I exercise almost daily and enjoy it a lot more because I can work out in the morning.  I eat better because there is a better choice of fresh fruits and when it's hot out, I don't eat as much.  I expect to see some change for the better this summer. 

If not...ummmmm.....

Day two...a little better...but not much

Here we are at day two of this plan of mine.  I have decided I am not going to post my weight, but I will do a daily record of up or down and by how much.  This morning my weight went down by .2.  Yesterday's eating was better, but not much.  Here it is:

Breakfast: Oatmeal with milk

Snack: Banana

Lunch: none...but I snacked again on M&M's and Mini Teddy Grahams and I think there might have even been some Nutter Butter mini's in there too. 

Dinner: one slice cheese pizza and two breadsticks.

As I said, not much better than the day before, BUT I did exercise yesterday.  I rode my bike for 30 minutes and upped my distance by one/tenth of a mile and also worked in the yard for about an hour.  Moved some mulch from one area of my yard to another.  I was sweating!!! 

Still raiding the cupboard.  Still trying to figure out why.  I think it's part habit, part boredom, and part this computer is housed right by the snack cupboard.  Wonder what would happen if I moved the computer away from the cupboard.  Gonna give it a try, see if it helps.  Ha!!!

Here we go....

Published that post on Thursday evening, so I guess it's time I 'fess up to what I ate yesterday. 

Breakfast: Chobani blueberry yogurt with Triple Berry Kashi cereal.  (REALLY, REALLY, GOOD)

Snack: Banana

Lunch: Blueberry bagel I picked up a Meijer.

The rest of the day:  Mini Teddy Grahams, Gummi Life Savers, Ruffle potato chips, some Xtra Cheddar Goldfish, and a box of Pretzel M&M's at the movies. 

See...really good through breakfast, so-so at lunch and then totally downhill after that!!  I wonder where all of my resistance has gone???  As I sit or stand eating the food, I ask myself what the hell I am doing, yet I continue to eat.  No exercise yesterday either. 

BUT, remaining hopeful, today is a new day.  I am getting on my bike as soon as I am done typing this and hope I can find my skinny thinking to keep me away from the junk. 

Wish me luck!

Diary of a "Yo-Yo" Woman

I bet you are wondering if the title is referring to me as a crotch grabbing woman who walks around saying "Yo-Yo, what's up?"  No, that's not me and it brings a funny picture into my mind of trying to actually pull off that look.  What I am referring to is being a woman who has lived and breathed the "Yo-Yo" diet thing.  I have done the whole weight loss and gain cycle about four times in my adult years with a few "diet for a day or two" things in-between.  The first time was when I was around age twenty-one.  I got down to around 119 pounds, but I never ate a damn thing.  I lived on shredded wheat and tuna with no mayo.  It was awful.  I loved how I looked, but couldn't maintain the low calorie level.  Shoot, who could??

My next go-round was in my 30's with an agency called "LA Weight Loss".  Did pretty good there, not down to to 119, but reached very happy weight.  Problem with this system, I had to buy their nutrition bars, which got expensive with newborn babies.  With that program, I kept the weight off for awhile, but having two babies two years in a row took it's toll on my body and my ability to choose my food wisely.

Next came the South Beach Diet.  I thought this was it.  I ate a ham and cheese omelet for fourteen days straight, had a salad twice a day and ate no carbs, none!!  Dropped 25 pounds on that plan.  Looking good.  Then realized that I could NEVER eat watermelon or pineapple again.  Had a hard time justifying how a fruit could be forbidden.  Chocolate was NEVER allowed also.  Kept the weight off for about six months on that diet, but really, who can NEVER eat chocolate again.  Not me!! 

Finally, I read a book that changed my outlook on food, exercise and dieting.  It's called "Beck's Diet for Life"  I read it from cover to cover, which was a change for me.  I usually just jumped right in, lost weight really fast and gained it back faster.  This book challenged me to do weight loss the right way, slow and healthy.  I don't starve.  I eat six times a day and it is protein based.  I dropped about 30 pounds on this plan and it has been two years.  I have gained back around seven pounds and I am starting to panic a bit.  I can't seem to get a grasp on my eating.  I know what to do, it just seems to be forgotten when I walk in the door at 3pm and invade my cupboards for anything unhealthy. 


Old me with famous author Diana Gabaldon



New me with friends Andrea and Gina





So why am I sharing all this??  Because DAMMIT, I refuse to allow myself to gain all that weight back.  I am going to try something new and post daily about my eating.  Kind of like a food journal.  Going to include what I consumed that day (everything, even the candy or cookies or chips I tend to sneak and not write down), exercise and what I was feeling that day.  I have noticed that stress leads to a larger consumption of the unhealthy, but wonderfully tasteful, junk food.  I am hoping that this will be the way to guide myself back to healthy behavior and take me off of the "Yo-Yo" train I've been riding for years.   



Faith

Faith has been a weird thing to me lately.  It has taken on many different looks and various definitions. 

My faith remains the same.  It has not been tested, but I have been wrestling with what my belief system taught me as a teenager.  I remember sitting in my eleventh grade religion class discussing suicide.  My teacher, also the school's basketball coach, told all of us that the Catholic church stated anyone who committed suicide went to hell.  I questioned it back then, and due to life circumstances, I question it now. 

I am going to try and explain this in a way that makes sense. 

I don't believe that committing suicide automatically admits you to hell.  But I also don't believe that someone who commits suicide is following God's plan.  I don't think that God has a plan for us to take our own lives.  The struggle I am currently having is with others who view my ex's death as "the Lord calling you to become his angel" or "You were taken from us too early, but it was God's plan".  I can't bring myself to believe that either.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want my ex's soul in hell; my kids pray every night that their new "angel daddy" watches over them while they sleep.  I also don't think he should get a free pass into heaven with all of the pain he left behind. 

I have asked my mother and a few of my Catholic friends what they think, because I can't find an answer myself.  Here's their take.  One, he was mentally ill when he did this, so God forgave him and he is in heaven.  Can kinda believe that one because I do think he was quite ill.  Two, he is in purgatory. (for those of you who don't know what that is, it's a place that is neither heaven nor hell)  Sort of okay with that one too.  Maybe he needs to be there and see what he left behind and ask for forgiveness before he is granted entrance into heaven.  Three, his soul will be forever tortured.  Not sure if I like that one either.  I do feel he was pretty tortured here on earth, most of it his own doing, but nevertheless, not sure if he should remain forever tortured in death. 

I am not really sure anyone can provide me with an answer.  The one thought that keeps jumping in my mind is that if I have faith, the answer will show itself somehow, someday, someway.     

The Silver Lining

As you can probably tell from my last couple of blogs, life has been a little iffy lately.  And that is putting it mildly.  My ex's death has taken us on a bit of a rollercoaster ride with our emotions. 

A good thing has happened in response to his death.  My children have reconnected with their half-brother and sister.  It is really an awesome thing to watch.  If I think about it too long, it brings tears to my eyes. 

Patrick is twenty-three, soon to be twenty-four and Elizabeth is seventeen.  One would think they would be so involved in their own lives, and grief, that they wouldn't have time for my two, who are only six and seven.  Wrong...if anything, they have made more time in their busy lives for my kids.  

Over Christmas break, Patrick came and set up my new flat screen television.  He hooked up the television, cables for the video games, and a blue-ray dvd player I don't really think I needed.  Little did he know that he would have to endure Halle, the non-stop talking six year old who asks so many questions and talks so much you can't think straight.  He took it all in stride, answered all of her questions and did fabulous at keeping pace with her. (It made me tired just listening)  He then came back a couple days later for some X-Box time with Braeden.  It was quite a sight.  A twenty-three year old sitting on the floor playing Lego Batman with my seven year old.  Braeden was beaming, of course it helped that Patrick knew the in's and outs of the game so well.  After four hours, they called it a night.  That was soon followed by an overnight at Patrick and Elizabeth's house.  The kids came home exhausted, but said they had so much fun.

In all honesty, I expected this "quality time" to just drop off.  The holidays were over and school had begun again for all of us.  It didn't though.  Patrick just came over this week and played Batman with Braeden and listened to all of Halle's updates from her life.(and there are so many for a six year old)  It was awesome to watch them sitting on the floor, the longer they sat, the closer they scooted to Patrick.  By the end, Halle was almost sitting in his lap. 

Last evening was Elizabeth's birthday celebration.  We all met at the Olive Garden.  I was apprehensive.  I expected to be completely uncomfortable.  It was like that in the past.  We would all attend these dinners when my ex was alive (and before our divorce), but there was always a feeling of tension.  Not so last evening.  It was rather enjoyable.  Actually, it was more than that.  It was fun!!  The kids are so at ease with Patrick and Elizabeth, even their mother Mari.  Their relationship is so natural.  We were a family. 

It saddens me that it has taken the death of my ex-husband to bring us together, but it least it has given us a much needed silver lining.