Never the same...

I don't like the night anymore.  It used to be my favorite part of the day.  The kids were in bed by 8 (ish) and the house was quiet.  I got to read a book, watch some television, or spend time browsing web sites on the computer.  It was my time.  It's gone now...

Night time now involves calming the kids down enough to go to sleep.  I think they are having the same difficulties I am.  Night time means nothing else to do but think.  And we are all thinking about the same thing; their father and my ex-husband. 

My new bedtime routine involves rocking Braeden while humming a song from when he was a baby.  I then tuck him in and he begins to cry.  "I miss daddy so much mommy"  "I can't believe he's gone mommy"  "I don't like it that daddy is dead mommy"  I spend the next ten minutes reassuring him that daddy may be gone from the earth, but he is always in our hearts and can watch us from heaven.  Sometimes he calms down enough to go to sleep, others, he is brought to my bed because he can't stop crying.  The sadness overwhelms him. 

At first, Halle was sleeping in her bed okay; her routine stayed the same.  Up until the service last week.  Now, I rock her also and hum a song I made up for her when she was a baby.  She hangs on extra tight.  She follows me around the house from the time she gets off the bus until she goes to bed.  She wants to wear the same clothes I wear and eat the same foods I eat.  She wants to be where I am at all times, if possible. 

As for me, when I do get them calmed down and sleeping, my own thoughts start floating through my head and keep me awake.  I think of the pain they are experiencing and wonder how long the crying at night will last.  I think of the fact that the holidays are coming and wonder what that may bring.  I think of the fact that on Father's Day, the sorrow will be immense.  I think of the fact that he was in so much pain, he stood in the middle of a river and shot himself.  I wonder, in twenty years, give or take a few, who will walk Halle down the aisle when she gets married? 

Then come the angry thoughts.  There are so many things he took away from my kids by killing himself.  I try and understand/remember that he must have been very sick.  Sometimes, the anger overrules the understanding.  How could he have done this?  What in the hell was he thinking?  Did he not realize what this would do to the kids?  My god, if they end up blaming themselves for this someday, it will break my heart. 

I realize that all of this is part of the grief process, but damn, it's still not fair.  It's not fair that Braeden cries everyday and that Halle is now afraid to be too far from me.  It's not fair that he made this choice that impacted our lives forever.  It's not fair that our lives will never be the same...

Please tell me I'm dreaming...

Sometimes life throws a curveball that is completely unexpected. 

Life threw the biggest curveball my way this weekend.

My ex-husband decided to end his life.

I have children, ages six and seven, that were left behind.

I had to sit down yesterday and tell them that their daddy died.

I keep hoping, praying, that it wasn't/isn't true.  Somebody's going to wake me up from this horrible nightmare and tell me that I was dreaming. 

It hasn't happened yet.