Like a tide in the ocean

Been in a bit of a funk the past couple of days.  I have been experiencing some feelings that are surprising me.  I have been missing Joe.  Yeah, I know.  Not the Joe at the end of our relationship, but the Joe from the "good years". 

I don't know exactly where the feelings came from.  I think it started while in New York this week.  I was sitting in a restaurant with my travel mates, listening to them talk about their husbands, and started remembering Joe.  They were talking about their hubbies, laughing and talking about things that happen in their every day lives.  I know that their relationships are not perfect and take a lot of work, but man, was I envious.  I don't feel that way very often, but I did that night.  Not jealous, just got me thinking.  (It probably didn't help that while we were there, his ex-girlfriend sent a message wanting to drop some of his stuff off to the kids when I got home.)  One thought led to another, and boom, there were the memories of Joe and they have been flashing in my brain ever since. 

Most often, when I think of him, I get angry.  It's easier that way, then I don't have to deal with my own sense of loss. My thoughts go immediately to the bad, the lack of contact with the kids and of course, his suicide.  But lately, I am able to think of him connected to positive memories. I kind of like it.  Maybe it means I am healing.

What I am not appreciating is the overwhelming, and I do mean overwhelming, feeling of sadness that is accompanying the memories.  It's almost swallowing me up whole.  I have been walking around on the verge of tears for days.  I keep waiting for it to get better, but it's just hanging around, like a bad cold. 

As much as I despised parts of him, there were other parts that were truly wonderful. (the way he interacted with the kids, how smart he really was, how thoughtful he could be, his willingness to help others). Remembering that side of him makes what he did so much more painful. 

A friend of mine compared the grief of his suicide to a tide in the ocean.  It will come in and wash over you, and then ebb for awhile, only to return.  I guess my tide is coming in....