I am doing this whole post in red because that's what I'm seeing right now!! I knew it would happen, it's frickin' inevitable. The jackass ex made contact tonight. Not a week in advance; not even twenty-four hours in advance. Tonight at seven o'clock, he decides it's time. The kids and I had just returned from trick-or-treating in the neighborhood. We had a blast. Their buckets were packed full of candy. Just as we were getting ready to do the traditional dumping of the candy on the floor, I hear the ding of my cell phone, indicating I had a text. Yup, it was him. Asking if he could see the kids costumes. WTF????? Seriously??? I think I was in a fugue state for about 5 minutes. I had to gather myself before I returned to the candy dumping.
Here's the thing, I knew it was coming. Not because he really wanted to see the kids, but because that is what he is "supposed" to do. In fact, I bet his mother was the one who really wanted to see the costumes and she nagged him until he finally sent the text. Another guess, he wants pictures to post to his Facebook page to make it look like he is some kind of father. Both of them could have called, even earlier in the day, and I may have considered it. Who am I kidding? I wouldn't have. Don't call me around a "holiday" and act like you are a part of your kids lives. Don't act like after three months, I should do anything for you. I won't. I used to put up with this bullshit because I thought it would make the kids suffer if I kept them from their dad. Now, I'm afraid of the chaos it will create if, or should I say when, he does come around again.
After I calmed down a bit (yes it took awhile), I had to figure out what to do. Reply or don't reply? Or even how to reply??? I admit, there was a big part of me that wanted to unload all of the pent up anger, but to what end?? He would accept no responsibility, be full of excuses, and ultimately blame me for his life being in the shitter. So I did what I thought best, ignored it. Shared it with my family(when the kids were not in the room), vented to them, and went back to enjoying the wonderful Halloween we were having.
The scariest part of this...he'll do the same thing at Thanksgiving and then Christmas. Gonna be doing a lot of blogging during this holiday season!!!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I won the battle...at least one of the two.
What an adventure at dinner tonight!! It was a family affair because my aunt was in town from Minnesota. Dinner with the works!! Roast beef, cooked carrots, corn, salad, rolls, and potatoes. Sounds awesome, eh? That's what I thought and I guess that's what I get for thinking!!
Kids were set up to eat. Even had their own little table because the adult table was full. Glasses of milk were poured, and grace had been said. That's when the sobbing began. Not just from one of my kids, but both. What the heck?? "Mommy, we don't like these kind of potatoes, do we have to eat them?" Oh man, this isn't gonna be good. When this happens at my parents house, I ALWAYS lose. I try to remain firm and make them eat what is in front of them, but inevitably, my parents or brother go behind my back and eat their food or tell them they only have to eat so many bites. Not tonight, DAMMIT!!! I kindly turn and address both children, telling them "Yes, you have to eat those potatoes. They are mashed potatoes". They reply with whines, telling me they aren't the "regular" mashed potatoes, and they don't want to eat them. I do not relent, stay firm, and insist they must eat them. Should've known I wouldn't get away with it, as soon as the crying got loud, the looks began. Not from the kids, from my family. Okay, okay, they only had to eat three bites. Jeesh. They did eat their meat, corn and dinner roll. Battle number one went to the kids.
Then came the dessert course. I had made some pretty rich peanut butter fudgy bars. My daughter didn't want that, she wanted Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls (also a favorite of mine). "Sure, fine, but it's seven o'clock so you can't have both rolls or you will be up all night." Holy crap, meltdown city. I don't think she has EVER melted like she did tonight. She sat at the dinner table and cried. Begging..."Please, Mommy, I will do whatever you want if you let me have both swiss cake rolls". I addressed my entire family and made it clear she was not to have two swiss cake rolls! She got louder and the looks began again. "NO". Then came the begging again. "NO". Then, for the first time ever, seriously, she stomped out of the kitchen, screaming about how unfair it was that everyone else got two swiss cake rolls. I have never witnessed her this angry, over a freaking swiss cake roll. I left her where she was, told her she could come to the kitchen when she was ready and eat her ONE roll. My mother went out to speak to her, calmed her down, or so we thought. Nope, as soon as she saw me, more begging. "NO". Next it was my aunts turn. Whatever she said, whatever she did, it worked. She calmed her down. She came right through the kitchen, into the living room and didn't even eat the damn swiss cake roll. Battle number two, won by me.(I think)
Kids were set up to eat. Even had their own little table because the adult table was full. Glasses of milk were poured, and grace had been said. That's when the sobbing began. Not just from one of my kids, but both. What the heck?? "Mommy, we don't like these kind of potatoes, do we have to eat them?" Oh man, this isn't gonna be good. When this happens at my parents house, I ALWAYS lose. I try to remain firm and make them eat what is in front of them, but inevitably, my parents or brother go behind my back and eat their food or tell them they only have to eat so many bites. Not tonight, DAMMIT!!! I kindly turn and address both children, telling them "Yes, you have to eat those potatoes. They are mashed potatoes". They reply with whines, telling me they aren't the "regular" mashed potatoes, and they don't want to eat them. I do not relent, stay firm, and insist they must eat them. Should've known I wouldn't get away with it, as soon as the crying got loud, the looks began. Not from the kids, from my family. Okay, okay, they only had to eat three bites. Jeesh. They did eat their meat, corn and dinner roll. Battle number one went to the kids.
Then came the dessert course. I had made some pretty rich peanut butter fudgy bars. My daughter didn't want that, she wanted Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls (also a favorite of mine). "Sure, fine, but it's seven o'clock so you can't have both rolls or you will be up all night." Holy crap, meltdown city. I don't think she has EVER melted like she did tonight. She sat at the dinner table and cried. Begging..."Please, Mommy, I will do whatever you want if you let me have both swiss cake rolls". I addressed my entire family and made it clear she was not to have two swiss cake rolls! She got louder and the looks began again. "NO". Then came the begging again. "NO". Then, for the first time ever, seriously, she stomped out of the kitchen, screaming about how unfair it was that everyone else got two swiss cake rolls. I have never witnessed her this angry, over a freaking swiss cake roll. I left her where she was, told her she could come to the kitchen when she was ready and eat her ONE roll. My mother went out to speak to her, calmed her down, or so we thought. Nope, as soon as she saw me, more begging. "NO". Next it was my aunts turn. Whatever she said, whatever she did, it worked. She calmed her down. She came right through the kitchen, into the living room and didn't even eat the damn swiss cake roll. Battle number two, won by me.(I think)
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Only 3 miles away...
Found out today that my ex-husband, (aka asshole,asswipe, dickhead, jackass), is residing in town. I would have preferred to remain clueless about where he was living. It makes it easier. I can then make up excuses in my mind to explain away why he doesn't call his own kids. Not now...
My ex's son came to watch my son play soccer today. Braeden was so excited to see him, he ran up for a hug. It's been awhile since they have seen each other. Over a year. Can think of a million excuses about why it's been so long, but none good enough to explain a year. He gives me hope. I often worry that Braeden will turn out like his father. My ex swore up and down he would not be like his dad, he's worse. Granted, he doesn't physically abuse his kids, but abandoning them is just as bad. Anyways, his son is back in college and is focused on becoming a physician's assistant. He is nice to his family, faithful to his girlfriend, and is able to hold down a job. Already, he's a better man.
During the soccer game, my ex was brought up. Hard to avoid. His son asked if the ex has had contact with my kids. Nope. Not in two and a half months. Pathetic; I know. I told him I didn't even know where he was, thought maybe he had moved out of state again. (hoped may be the better word here). That's when his son shared that the ex is indeed still living in town, with his mother(my kids grandmother), no less. Her house is only three miles away from mine. The cluelessness then vanished and was replaced by an anger so intense, my head felt as if it was going to burst into a million pieces. My heart followed shortly thereafter.
It hurts in such an undescribable way to know that he is choosing not to see his kids. See, if he was out of state or locked up, it would be justified in my mind. Now, it's not. I try not to think about it too much, but in down moments, BOOM, there it is. The father of your children lives three miles away with their grandmother and neither of them see two of the most wonderful children in the world.
I will get past this. I will accept what he is choosing to do. I always do. I move on for the purpose of keeping my sanity. I move on because it does me no good to dwell on something of which I have no control. But most of all, I will move on for the sake of my kids.
My ex's son came to watch my son play soccer today. Braeden was so excited to see him, he ran up for a hug. It's been awhile since they have seen each other. Over a year. Can think of a million excuses about why it's been so long, but none good enough to explain a year. He gives me hope. I often worry that Braeden will turn out like his father. My ex swore up and down he would not be like his dad, he's worse. Granted, he doesn't physically abuse his kids, but abandoning them is just as bad. Anyways, his son is back in college and is focused on becoming a physician's assistant. He is nice to his family, faithful to his girlfriend, and is able to hold down a job. Already, he's a better man.
During the soccer game, my ex was brought up. Hard to avoid. His son asked if the ex has had contact with my kids. Nope. Not in two and a half months. Pathetic; I know. I told him I didn't even know where he was, thought maybe he had moved out of state again. (hoped may be the better word here). That's when his son shared that the ex is indeed still living in town, with his mother(my kids grandmother), no less. Her house is only three miles away from mine. The cluelessness then vanished and was replaced by an anger so intense, my head felt as if it was going to burst into a million pieces. My heart followed shortly thereafter.
It hurts in such an undescribable way to know that he is choosing not to see his kids. See, if he was out of state or locked up, it would be justified in my mind. Now, it's not. I try not to think about it too much, but in down moments, BOOM, there it is. The father of your children lives three miles away with their grandmother and neither of them see two of the most wonderful children in the world.
I will get past this. I will accept what he is choosing to do. I always do. I move on for the purpose of keeping my sanity. I move on because it does me no good to dwell on something of which I have no control. But most of all, I will move on for the sake of my kids.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
What if...
My mind tends to wander at night after I put the kids and bed and experience some down time. It wanders towards stuff that doesn't always make sense. It's been worse since I have started blogging again, always looking for something new to write about. For example, the past few nights I have been running "what if's" through my brain.
What if...Adam said "NO" to Eve when she tempted him with the apple? What would the world be like? Would we all live in the Garden of Eden; aka paradise?? We, as women, may not have to suffer the pain of childbirth, right? Isn't that why we have to go through the pain of it, because we were the one that coerced Adam into eating the apple? Imagine giving birth without pain. I mean, they have drugs and all, but we could do it pain free.
What if...after five years of marriage, you could decide to renew your marriage license or just...not? We have to renew our driver's license. We have to renew our teaching certificate. We have to renew our cell phone contracts. Why not the marriage license? That way, if it's not working out, you just don't renew. It could save a ton of money on divorce lawyers and court costs. A contract would be developed for every couple with guidelines outlining what would happen upon failure to renew. I don't mean to sound cold and callous, I'm not...I am sure there are many marriages that would renew time and time again. I know many such couples and feel they are truly blessed, but to be honest, I would have opted out at 5...
What if...weapons were never developed? There was no such thing as guns, machetes, bombs, and any other "weapon of mass destruction". Would we still have arguments about who's country is most powerful, who's army is the strongest? We would all be equal, in that sense, right? We could have our leader's duke it out in a boxing ring. Imagine the money those fights would bring in. No longer would we have suicide bombs, school shootings, gang wars, and drive-by's. I don't fool myself into believing we could have world peace, but it might bring us a step closer.
What if...humans could fly? Been a dream of mine since I was a child. I am sure there are many of you out there who think that would be fricking cool. I agree. Flying would be the most awesome thing ever!! (besides meeting Henry Winkler dressed as the Fonz) No more gas fumes from cars. No more worrying about the high cost of fuel. Just step outside, spread your wings, and fly to work or wherever!!! Granted, there may be an issue of "air traffic control"...but there is so much space up there and just think of the freedom. It would be like riding in a convertible with the top down everyday!!
Your turn...feel free to add your own list of "What if's"...would love to feel I'm not the only one who's mind wanders at night when I should be sleeping!!!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
A Rosier World
I have heard many times in my 35 years on this planet (give or take a few years) that I need to remove my rose colored glasses and see the world for what it is. I admit it, I think I look at the world differently than others. Maybe not the world, just life in general. I take off the glasses every once in awhile, but don't usually like what I see. I prefer to live in my rosie world. The latest attempt at looking at the world showed me the following things:
1) A college student at Rutger's University jumped off of a bridge and killed himself. He jumped because some jackasses decided to post a video that showed him with his partner in an intimate way. He was so humilitated that he decided to end his life.
2) A family on the east side of the country was set on fire. Some people decided to rob them and forced them to withdraw money from their accounts. The father was beaten and tied up in the basement. He escaped, but not in time. Help arrived, but just in time to watch the house go up in flames. They were set on fire while they were alive.
3) A 13 year old girl was "sexting", yes, there is such a thing now. Some of the stuff she was sending ended up in the wrong hands and was spread all over her MIDDLE SCHOOL. She decided to hang herself rather than go to school.
4) A friend has a brother who works for the Detroit Police Department. Homocides are down in Detroit. Good news, right??? Not so much. He says homocides may be down, but shootings are still high, they are just saving more people. That same friend had her wallet stolen at a concert in Detroit. It was stolen by a group sitting behind us, pretending to have a great time with us. Dancing, singing...made me sick!!!!
5) In my own life, closer to home, joblessness is at an all time high, people are losing their houses to foreclosure, there were girls in the locker room at my school drinking gatorade and vodka...good lord, I could go on and on...
I prefer not to though. I prefer to go to cnn.com and click on the entertainment section and see what is happening in Hollywood. I like to go to soapoperadigest.com and see what happened on all my soap operas the day before. I prefer to wear my rose colored glasses and live in a world where all this kind of shit doesn't happen.
1) A college student at Rutger's University jumped off of a bridge and killed himself. He jumped because some jackasses decided to post a video that showed him with his partner in an intimate way. He was so humilitated that he decided to end his life.
2) A family on the east side of the country was set on fire. Some people decided to rob them and forced them to withdraw money from their accounts. The father was beaten and tied up in the basement. He escaped, but not in time. Help arrived, but just in time to watch the house go up in flames. They were set on fire while they were alive.
3) A 13 year old girl was "sexting", yes, there is such a thing now. Some of the stuff she was sending ended up in the wrong hands and was spread all over her MIDDLE SCHOOL. She decided to hang herself rather than go to school.
4) A friend has a brother who works for the Detroit Police Department. Homocides are down in Detroit. Good news, right??? Not so much. He says homocides may be down, but shootings are still high, they are just saving more people. That same friend had her wallet stolen at a concert in Detroit. It was stolen by a group sitting behind us, pretending to have a great time with us. Dancing, singing...made me sick!!!!
5) In my own life, closer to home, joblessness is at an all time high, people are losing their houses to foreclosure, there were girls in the locker room at my school drinking gatorade and vodka...good lord, I could go on and on...
I prefer not to though. I prefer to go to cnn.com and click on the entertainment section and see what is happening in Hollywood. I like to go to soapoperadigest.com and see what happened on all my soap operas the day before. I prefer to wear my rose colored glasses and live in a world where all this kind of shit doesn't happen.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
A Poem
Had this dream years ago...woke up not sure if it was real or not. The dream, along with this poem I wrote the day after, have been with me since.
The Spider
It was big...
It was black...
It had hair all down it's back.
It had big eyes...
That were beady and red...
Thought for sure that I was dead.
It didn't move...
I didn't blink...
I was so scared, I couldn't think.
My heart was pounding...
loud and fast...
fearing every breath would be my last.
And then it moved...
creepy and slow...
those beady red eyes, continuing to glow.
I screamed out loud...
loud enough to wake the dead...
woke up to find, it was a dream in my head.
It didn't move...
I didn't blink...
I was so scared, I couldn't think.
My heart was pounding...
loud and fast...
fearing every breath would be my last.
And then it moved...
creepy and slow...
those beady red eyes, continuing to glow.
I screamed out loud...
loud enough to wake the dead...
woke up to find, it was a dream in my head.
I woke up so scared from this dream, I had to check every corner of the room for the big bastard that I thought for sure had been sitting on my chest. Slept with the light on for a week!!! There is still a part of me that believes it was no dream!!!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Piece
It's been awhile since I have posted anything. In all honesty, I forgot my log-in and password for my other blog, so I am just starting over. The cool part, no one knows about it yet. Why is that cool??? Because, for now, I just want somewhere to write random stuff that happens.
I hate my ex-husband. Howz that a way to start?? Have never actually put that out there before. I always try to think the best of him, but can't do it any longer. That's not even true; I hang on to the hope that he changes, that's more honest. I fear my friends and family will eventually tire of my bitching about what a piece he has become. The feelings of hatred and anger overwhelm me sometimes. It's overwhelming because I feel like I have no where to put the feelings. Why all the anger? I could list many things he has done to me, but that stuff is in the past. The anger stems from the way he treats our kids...like they don't even exist. Yeah, serious piece...
Tuesday of this week marked eight weeks since he has called the kids. Hasn't seen them during that time either. How can that be explained to a six and seven year old? Not very easily, that's for sure. Sadly, they no longer ask to call him; he fails to return their calls. They have also stopped asking when they are going to see him again.
I worry about this long-term. I worry about them feeling like his lack of involvement in their life is because they have done something wrong. It keeps me awake at night.
Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful support system for them, and for me. Loving family, great friends, recently signed them up for big brothers/big sisters...but wonder, will it be enough?
p.s. Not all my posts will be this heavy...just feeling the need to put this stuff somewhere.
I hate my ex-husband. Howz that a way to start?? Have never actually put that out there before. I always try to think the best of him, but can't do it any longer. That's not even true; I hang on to the hope that he changes, that's more honest. I fear my friends and family will eventually tire of my bitching about what a piece he has become. The feelings of hatred and anger overwhelm me sometimes. It's overwhelming because I feel like I have no where to put the feelings. Why all the anger? I could list many things he has done to me, but that stuff is in the past. The anger stems from the way he treats our kids...like they don't even exist. Yeah, serious piece...
Tuesday of this week marked eight weeks since he has called the kids. Hasn't seen them during that time either. How can that be explained to a six and seven year old? Not very easily, that's for sure. Sadly, they no longer ask to call him; he fails to return their calls. They have also stopped asking when they are going to see him again.
I worry about this long-term. I worry about them feeling like his lack of involvement in their life is because they have done something wrong. It keeps me awake at night.
Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful support system for them, and for me. Loving family, great friends, recently signed them up for big brothers/big sisters...but wonder, will it be enough?
p.s. Not all my posts will be this heavy...just feeling the need to put this stuff somewhere.
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